Catholic Church to Outsource Priests

In response to the recent wave of scandals regarding sexual abuse by priests, the Catholic church has decided to outsource the job.

"It makes perfect sense", claims Monseignor Balfour of the Archdiocese of Rome. "Every time one of the priests gets sued it costs us about $25,000,000. The incidents of abuse may not seem very high at seven per thousand priests, but when you average it out that works out to $175,000 per priest - and that is over and above the normal cost of keeping them for a year. For much less than that we can hire them as contractors, all carrying their own personal liability and malpractice insurance. Then if they misbehave, it is their problem and not ours".

The move toward secularization of the priestly role has attracted some support among congregants. "I am on a limited income", said George Rossy in Boston, Massachusetts I want to support the church, but when I skimp to save $25 for the collection plate then find out that the church is throwing around $25,000,000 to settle some sodomy suit then it makes my contribution seem wasted and irrelevant - my money is going to the dogs, and I might as well just stay home and buy my beer".

The sentiment is not an isolated one. Since the spate of abuse cases of the last decade contributions to the Catholic have declined approximately 80%, and the institution is essentially surviving on a cash flow basis by liquefying fixed assets. To read more, click here.