Forgiveness

I have been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately. Jesus taught his disciples that they should not limit the number of times that they forgave people but should forgive people ad infinitum, placing no limit on the number times that they forgave people. He also taught his disciples that if they did not forgive someone, they should not expect God to forgive them. Indeed, in the Lord’s Prayer we ask God to forgive us as we forgive others.

Regrettably people who identify as Christians are not forgiving as we might expect them to be. This partially may be the influence of the internet. I have noticed a number of suggested posts on Facebook, which do not advocate forgiving other people, but rather holding grudges against them. The internet may be shaping our thinking more than we realize.

A grudge is a strong feeling of anger and dislike for a person whom we feel has treated us badly, especially one that lasts for a long time. The person does not actually have to treat us badly. We only need to feel that they have treated us badly.

It partially may be the result of early life experiences in which we ourselves did not receive forgiveness or we did not see a parent show forgiveness. We internalized this attitude toward other people.

Those who do not forgive other people’s failings appear to be oblivious of Jesus’ warning that those who do not forgive cannot expect forgiveness.

Jesus is not the only person who warns us against the dangers of unforgiveness.

Psychologists have written extensively about the harmful effects of unforgiveness and grudge-bearing on those who withhold their forgiveness.

People who refuse to forgive someone are doing harm to themselves. Refusal to forgive has been described as taking poison ourselves to harm someone else. We are the one who gets harmed.

When we forgive someone, we stop being angry with someone who has done something wrong. We stop blaming or being mad at someone for something that person may have done. We do not punish them for what they may have done. It is very possible for us to be angry with someone for something that they did not do, or which was not as bad as we make it. When we forgive someone, we choose not to hold against them what they did, or we imagine them to have done.

It is very possible for us to misread someone else’s words or actions. Instead of talking to the person ourselves and obtaining from them a explanation of what they said or did, we act on our misinterpretations of their words or actions. We may let our feelings do our thinking for us.

We may turn to others for advice and sympathy, for support and affirmation. People who do not have all the facts and only hear our perceptions of what happened, how thing appear to us, are not in a good position to give us advice. If we are misreading a person’s actions or words, what we are telling them is our misperceptions and not the real facts. We may omit things that if we shared with the person from whom we are seeking advice and sympathy would enable them to see what happened in a different light. They might help us recognize that we are mistaken in our perceptions.

Our feelings, our anxieties, our fears, and insecurities, may have gotten the better of us. Things may not be quite what they seem. When our feelings are running the show, we make mistakes in judgment. We draw the wrong conclusions.

However, if the person from whom we are seeking advice and sympathy buys into our misperceptions, they may reinforce them and give us bad advice. We may realize ourselves that things were not quite what we thought they were but may be unable to bring this to their attention out of fear of losing their sympathy and trust.

Our feelings can distort how we see things and we may interpret innocent behavior as representing a threat to us. We may interpret it as expressing the possibility that something unwanted or unpleasant is going to happen.

For these reasons it is very important to keep open communication with the person with whom we are upset. Open communication means that we and the other person are able share our thoughts and feelings with each other without any fear of repercussions, or bad effects.

Shutting down communication, however, makes the situation worse. We are showing an unwillingness not only to correct our misperceptions of someone, to see them in a better light, but also to forgive them, to let go of our anger and resentment and not hold anything against them.

In his teaching Jesus stresses as being very important and needing attention immediately making peace with someone whom we remember has something against us, even to point of disregarding our religious obligations, leaving our gift at the altar, and reconciling with that person first (Matthew 5: 23-24). Jesus has clearly pointed out the path that we need to take. It the path of forgiveness and reconciliation, of letting go of anger and resentment and restoring friendly relations.

As the apostle Paul draws to our attention, the longer we wait, the more likely the devil (or the forces that are bad or harmful to us working in our lives, if you like) will have an opportunity to harm us and other people (Ephesians 4:26-27).

Jesus teaches us to be merciful as God himself is merciful (Luke 6: 36) and by our mercifulness show that we are God’s children.

Mercifulness is a particular form of kindness. It is kindness that is not only “responsive, compassionate, and tender” but also forgiving. It is kindness that reacts in a quick or positive way. It is kindness that feels and shows sympathy and sadness for the suffering or bad luck of others and wants to help them. It is kindness that is gentle and loving. It is kindness that makes us forgive those to whom we can give or withhold forgiveness.

We are called to show mercy because we have been shown mercy first by God. This is not an original statement on my part, but it does sum up why we are to be merciful to each other. Having received God’s forgiveness, we are to give forgiveness to others.