When we have an impaired relationship with one or more members of our church, this impaired relationship can affect our relationship with the other members of the church. It can also affect our ability to exercise our talents and gifts in the service of God.
By an impaired relationship I mean a relationship which is not what it should be with a fellow Christian. Christians are expected to treat each other with grace and kindness. When one Christian is unwilling to treat another Christian in that manner, particular when they are a part of the same church, the same local expression of the Body of Christ, they have an impaired relationship, and their impaired relationship will affect one or the other’s relationships with other Christians in the church. It may impede—restrict, hinder, or obstruct, one or both of them from using the talents and gifts which God has given them for the benefit of the Body of Christ.
Jesus intuitively understood how an impaired relationship could interfere with his disciples living and working together and taught them that loving one another should be a primary characteristic of their discipleship, the way which they showed the world that they had been influenced by his teachings and were trying to follow his example. Jesus told the first disciples.
“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples" (John 13: 34-35 NLT).
They were to exemplify to the world what it means to love others by their love for each other. When we exemplify love for others, we show by example what loving others means. We serve as a good example of loving others.
When we are unwilling for whatever the reason to show love for a fellow Christian, to show them grace and kindness, we are not doing a very good job of demonstrating that we are one of Jesus’ disciples.
We may have gotten the wrong idea that we are excused from showing them grace and kindness. We may have been led to believe that we do not have to carry out Jesus’ commandment. We are exempt from obeying it.
However, when Jesus gave what he described as a “new commandment,” he was not making a suggestion which we can ignore or follow when we feel like it. He was giving an order which he expected those who are genuinely his disciples, who believe in his teachings and try to live the way he did, to obey.
The thing about grace is that we do not have to like the person to whom we show it. We do not have to find them agreeable. Grace is goodwill and favor shown someone regardless of whether they merit or deserve it. It would not be grace if liking them and finding them agreeable was a pre-condition of showing it.
Kindness is also not tied to whether we like someone or find them agreeable. If we show kindness to only our family and our friends, Jesus taught, we are no different from the rest of the world.
We may let our feelings control our thinking and become a hindrance or obstacle to our showing grace and kindness. We may choose to nurse a grudge rather than forgiving someone, letting go of our anger toward them and no longer holding anything against them. We may not realize that we are harboring anger toward them, but it is evident in our behavior, in our unfriendliness toward them and our avoidance of them. Our actions speak louder than our words. We may express our anger toward them in indirect ways which harm their relationship with other members of our church. We may cause their relationship with other church members to become strained.
Jesus himself points to the solution to impaired relationships between church members. It is forgiveness and reconciliation. They give up any ill-feelings that they may have toward each other and once more treat each other as Christians should treat each other: they show each other grace and kindness. The healing of their relationship will open the way for the healing of other relationships that have been affected by their impaired relationship. It will enable them to exercise their talents and gifts fully for the church’s benefits. Their impaired relationship will no longer keep one or both from participating to the greatest extent possible in the worship, life, and ministry of the church.
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