How Do We Show Grace to Others?

One of the reasons that I write about grace and kindness so much is that I realize that I need to show more grace and kindness to others. When I write about something, I often find myself saying, “I need to do that too.”

While I have not done a lot of preaching in my lifetime, I have done enough to know that when someone preaches, they are preaching to themselves as much as they are to a congregation. When someone writes articles on topics like grace and kindness, they are doing the same thing.

These articles may be described as a conversation of the writer with themselves to which other people can listen in. Whatever may be the tone of a particular article, I do not believe that I have arrived by any means, and I recognized that I have a lot to learn and a long way to go myself. Like everyone else. I have flaws and imperfections and I am a work in progress.

A second reason that I write a lot about grace and kindness is that I would like to be shown more grace and kindness as I suspect that most of us would. I would prefer that people made allowances for my flaws and imperfections and did not hold them against me. They would forgive or overlook my mistakes and blunders.

In one article at which I looked grace was defined as “undeserved kindness.” This definition suggests that some people are not entitled to or worthy of kindness.

This notion conflicts with what I was taught from a very early age that all people regardless of who they were and what their station was in life should be shown courtesy, respect, kindness, and consideration of their feelings. This I was led to believe was the proper way of treating other people.

Being neighborly, that is, friendly and helpful to the people around you, is another value that I was taught. You did one’s best to get along with other people and to live peacefully with them. You did not go looking for quarrels.

You were charitable toward others, that is, kind, lenient, and understanding in your attitude toward them. You gave people the benefit of the doubt. You did not treat them severely or unkindly.

You took an interest in other people and their wellbeing. Not just family, relations, and friends but neighbors took care of each other.

Later in life I found that these values came from the Bible. They are found in the Old Testament as well as the New Testament.

This is not the way that we live today. It may have not been the way that some people lived at the time that I was taught these values. But as I grow older, they are values to which I return again and again. The Golden Rule I have found is a good principle to live by—treat other people exactly how you would wish them to treat you.

I would be first to admit that I may not live by these values as well as I might. But they are how I aspire to live; they are on what I have a strong desire to pattern my life.

So, what then do we mean when we talk about showing grace to others?

In Christianity grace is the kindness God shows to people because he loves them. It is the free and unmerited goodwill and favor that God shows us. It is also the divine assistance and power that God gives us in our spiritual rebirth and our sanctification.

Goodwill is friendly or helpful attitude toward other people, in God’s case, toward humanity. When we regard someone with favor, we like or support them. When we do someone a favor, we do something for them even though we do not have to. When God shows us favor, he acts toward us favorably, in a positive way.

When we show grace to someone, we imitate God. We are friendly and helpful in our attitude toward them. We act in a favorable manner toward them.

Our attitude and our actions toward them, however, are not predicated on anything that they say or do. Like the goodwill and favor that God shows us, our goodwill and favor are free and unmerited. We act out of our love of God and the goodness of our heart. By showing grace to others, we show that we are children of God.

As you may have guessed, showing grace to someone is impossible if we are angry with them. For this reason, both Jesus and the apostle Paul teach that we should forgive others, letting go of our anger at them and holding nothing against them. If someone has something against us, we should pursue reconciliation with them and make peace with them. As long as we are angry with someone, our anger will prevent us from showing grace to them. We will not be acting like a child of God. We act like a child of God when we imitate our Father in heaven. Jesus was very clear on this point.

While it is hard to imagine one Christian telling another Christian that they do not need to show grace and kindness to a particular Christian, it does happen. Jesus, however, teaches us to love one another. Showing grace and kindness to our fellow Christians is an essential ingredient of loving them.

A Christian who ttells another Christian that they are free to ignore Jesus’ teaching to love one another may be well-meaning. They may have gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick and completely misunderstood the situation. They may have allowed their personal feelings and opinions to color their judgment. They may have lacked experience in dealing with a particular situation. In any case we are not free to disregard what Jesus commanded.

Even if we are experiencing interpersonal difficulties with a fellow Christian, we still should treat them with grace and kindness. Refusing to associate with them and treating them as an undesirable person are not in keeping with what Jesus taught or practiced. Encouraging others not to be friendly toward them and to treat them in the same way are also not the actions of a disciple of Jesus.

This, however, can happen when a Christian is led to believe that they are not bound to treat with grace and kindness a fellow Christian to whom they have taken a dislike for one reason or another. Human beings are complex, and the reasons that they may find a fellow Christian objectionable may not be what we or even they think.

From a spiritual perspective it is not good for a Christian to harbor ill-will, unfriendly or hostile feelings, toward another Christian. Jesus emphasized in his teachings forgiving others, making allowances for them, not judging them severely, and making peace with those who had something against us.

A word of caution is in order. Where interpersonal difficulties involve serious misconduct such as violent physical attacks; repeated and unwelcome sexual comments, looks, or physical contact; forced participation in unwanted sexual activities; taking photos or videos of someone in the nude or participating in some form of sexual activity without their knowledge or consent and posting them on the internet or otherwise sharing them with other parties; repeated use of threats or violence in an attempt to harm someone or intimidate them; or pursing or following someone persistently or threateningly, then implementation of disciplinary proceedings against the individual in question are warranted. 

In such instances due process should be followed. If an allegation of misconduct is proven be unfounded or false, the accused is well within their rights to sue the church, its officers, and whoever made the allegation for slander, libel, and defamation of character. To avoid litigation in such matters, it is a good practice to employ a qualified professional to investigate the allegation.

One of things that we deny someone when we refuse to forgive them and to make peace with them is closure, that is, “the feeling that a difficult or an unpleasant experience has come to an end or been dealt with in an acceptable way.” They are unable to fully process what has happened to them. They are stuck in a state of emotional limbo.

Showing grace to someone does not require that we become their dearest friend. What it does require is that we be on speaking terms with them and that we see in them someone whom, like ourselves, God dearly loves and treasures, someone for whose sins Jesus died on the cross, someone for whom Jesus now intercedes at the Father’s right hand. We no longer see them through our eyes but God’s. The beloved child of God that we are, we show them compassion and forgiveness, generosity and caring, kindness and patience. We show ourselves to be a true disciple of Jesus, loving our fellow human beings and our fellow Christians as Jesus has loved us.