Love Your Enemies: A Reflection

"But I say to all of you who will listen to me: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who treat you badly.

“As for the man who hits you on one cheek, offer him the other one as well!

And if a man is taking away your coat, do not stop him from taking your shirt as well. Give to everyone who asks you, and when a man has taken what belongs to you, don’t demand it back.”

“Treat men exactly as you would like them to treat you.”

“If you love only those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that, And if you lend only to those from whom you hope to get your money back, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners and expect to get their money back. No, you are to love your enemies and do good and lend without hope of return. Your reward will be wonderful and you will be sons of the most high. For he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked!

“You must be merciful, as your father in Heaven is merciful.” (Luke 6:27-36 PHILLIPS)

When I read these verses, I am prompted to ask myself, “What enemies?” I do not have any people in my life who I would consider my personal enemy. One or two people may not like me for reasons that I cannot fathom, for reasons that only they know. They could just as easily like me.

The thought occurred to me during the sermon at the second service at Murray First United Methodist Church that may be it was contrariness. People can be contrary at times, choosing to say “no” when knowing that we were hoping they would say “yes.” Being contrary is a way of being in control. Often a contrary person will, as my grandmother often said, “cut off their nose to spite their face."

They would be far happier if they had said “yes,” but saying “yes” in their minds means giving up control to someone else. They just cannot bring themselves to do it. They may be the way that they are because when they were children, they had little control. The only control that they could exert was to drag their feet. However, on the playground with other children where they had a greater measure of control, they may have said, “I’m not going to play with you,” leaving us quite crestfallen. They may have actually wanted to play, but they would not let themselves. Refusing to play with us gave them a sense of controlling the situation. But the result was that they became something of a loner.

While we may outgrow the way that we acted as kids, often as not we do not. Behaviors that we learned in our childhood shape the way we act today. We may come to see life as a struggle for control. When we first meet someone new, our preoccupation with controlling the situation may not evidence itself at first. Sooner or later, however, it will surface. It will affect our relationship with them. Regardless of whether they are a controlling person, we may perceive them to be such a person. We will cast them in that role. They may like us. They may be trying to get along with us and have the kind of relationship that someone has with a friend, doing the things friends do—spend time together, get to know each other, and the like.

Eventually our proclivity to control the situation will kick in. If they react in unanticipated ways, we may grow frustrated and angry. We may realize that they actually like us, not the superficial “I like you because you are cute, sexy, etc…” kind of liking, but the genuine “I like you, annoying habits and all” kind of liking. People who really love roses love them not just for the flowers and the fragrance but love them thorns and all.

This may create a dilemma for us. At this point we may decide not to like them. We may have been keeping this option on the back burner. Deciding not to like them in our minds gives us control of the situation. “I decide who I like,” we think to ourselves, “And who gets to like me.” While we do have control over who we like, we do not have control over who likes us.

We may resort to all kinds of tactics to make them not like us. We can be very disagreeable and unpleasant to them We can bash them over the head with a wooden orange crate, screaming, “I hate you! I hate you!!” But their decision to like us is not a decision that is ours to make. It is their decision.

What does this have to do with Jesus’ teaching to love our enemies? Loving our enemies is the same kind of decision as the decision of someone to like us even though we have decided to not like them,  It is a decision to treat as people whom we like—with kindness, respect, and so on, people who for one reason or another do not like us. As well as not liking us, they may want to hurt us or make trouble for us or they may have hurt us or made trouble for us already.

What is involved in loving our enemies is a change in attitude toward people. This change of attitude is expressed in several ways. We do good to them, not harm. If they mistreat us, we do not respond in kind. We treat them as we would want to be treated ourselves. If they gossip about us behind our backs at work and spread false rumors about us among our coworkers, we do not retaliate and we do not do the same thing to them. We are generous. We are forgiving. We are patient.

At the heart of Jesus’ teaching about loving others, whether they are neighbors, enemies, or each other is that we are to be the imitators of God. We are to think and act like God in our interactions with other people. If God is loving toward us, we are to be loving toward others. If God is forgiving toward us, we are to be forgiving to others. If God is gracious to us, we are to be gracious to others.

If adaptive behaviors from childhood such as those behaviors which reveal a conscious or subconscious need to control every situation in which we find ourselves get in the way of our loving others, we need to do something about it. We cannot keep on living our life as we have been living it. This is the reason why God gives us what John Wesley called sanctifying and perfecting grace. God gives us the will and the power to do something about it. God does not expect us to change overnight, but he does expect us to work with him to change. God also gives us the support and encouragement of our fellow Christians. We are all in the same boat. We all have things that we need, with God’s help, to change in our lives.

To me it is much easier to like someone whom God has placed in my life than it is not to like them. It takes much more energy to not like someone than it takes to like them. I do not see much point in not liking someone. I do not see much point in someone going out of their way in an effort to make me not like them. To me a much better course of action is to decide to like each other, to make a genuine effort to get to know each other, and to enjoy what is enjoyable about each other. It could lead to a relationship which is agreeable to both of us.