When Jesus gave us the Great Commandment, the Golden Rule, and the New Commandment, he did not give us any exceptions to those commands. He did not say anything like “if you no longer feel any interest in someone and no longer feel friendly toward them, you don’t have to love them.” He said nothing of the sort.
While Jesus’ command to love one another was given to his disciples, his commands to love God, to love our neighbors as ourselves, to love our enemies and to do good to them, and to treat others exactly as we would wish to be treated, he gave not just to his disciples but to the crowd that had come to hear him. They are not just for his followers. They are for everybody.
Wait a minute! Did you say everybody?
When God made Jesus Lord of all, God did not make him just Lord of his followers. God made Jesus Lord of ALL! So even if we choose no longer to be one of his disciples, we would not be free to disobey him.
We, as Jesus’ disciples, however, are expected to obey him. Indeed, as Jesus’ pointed to his original disciples’ attention, we show our love for Jesus by obeying his commands, by following the directions which he has given us.
While we may choose to give the cold shoulder to a fellow Christian, to not speak to them and to avoid them, we are no longer obeying Jesus when we make that choice. Jesus commands us to love one another. We are not loving a fellow Christ when we show an unfriendly attitude toward them and intentionally ignore them or show no interest in them. We are not loving a fellow Christian when we adopt an attitude of indifference toward them—an attitude of not caring about them or being interested in them.
Loving one another, loving our brothers and sisters in Christ, involves not only a particular attitude toward them but also particular behavior toward them. When we love a fellow Christian, we take an interest in them. We worry about them. We are friendly toward them, and we talk to them. We are kind to them. We are generous, helpful, and think about their feelings. We care about them. After all, they are family. They are our brother or sister in Christ.
We don’t snuggle with them. We don’t share spit and other body fluids with them. We may give them a hug or a pat on the back—with their permission.
We do not follow them everywhere they go and camp on their doorstep. We may show hospitality to one other in each other’s homes. We may visit them when they are sick. We may give them a phone call or shoot them a text. We maintain open communication with one another: we are able to share thoughts and feelings with each other without fear of any bad effects. We enjoy each other’s company.
One of the reasons that Jesus emphasizes pursuing reconciliation with a brother or sister is that we cannot love them and obey his command if we are not friendly with them and keep apart from them, if there are hard feelings between us and them. Jesus goes as far as saying that restoring friendly relations with a brother or sister is more important than fulfilling our religious obligations.
Loving one another means looking for the good in each other. We ditch the negativity bias. It is a tendency to see people in a bad light and to believe the worst about them. They may not have done anything evil or immoral, but we choose to see them that way. Rather than making allowances for them, we imagine their behavior is far worse that it is. We make all kinds of assumptions about them, and we do not consider the possibility that our assumptions are wrong.
The negativity bias can strongly influence how we come to an opinion about a situation, what we believe about it. We may not recognize the extent to which it influences our thinking.
One of the reasons that we are influenced by the negativity bias is the tendency to see everything in black and white. We do not take a nuanced view. People are either all good or all bad.
If we ditch the negativity bias, we may, for example, discover that what we believe was unacceptable behavior in a fellow Christian were attempts by that individual to deal with an unfamiliar situation, a situation with which they had no experience in dealing.
The negativity bias tends to be triggered when we are angry or annoyed by someone, have grown tired of them and have found someone more exciting, interesting, and fun, or are confronted with a difficult situation with which we would prefer not to deal.
When we love one another, we do not focus on each other’s negative qualities. Rather we focus on each other’s positive qualities. We take responsibility for our own contribution to a difficult situation rather than trying to shift the blame to someone else.
What about giving a fellow Christian space if they ask for it? Here is what psychologists and psychiatrists recommend.
1. The person requesting space from another person needs to define what they mean by space. It needs to be clear to both parties.
2. It needs to be remembered that being asked to give someone space can be a painful experience.
3. The person to whom you are giving space needs to know that you are giving them space because you care about them.
4. There needs to be a time frame. Without a timeframe, the person who is being asked to give someone space is left hanging, creating anxiety.
Asking for space indefinitely is the same as breaking off a relationship which has particular implications for Christians. We cannot use a request for space to let someone down gently because we no longer want any kind of relationship with them. As Christians we are “in relationship” with each other for the duration of our life here on earth and for all eternity. We are bound to Jesus and each other by the Holy Spirit. Both parties need to understand that.
Giving someone space does not free either party from the obligation to love one another as Christ loved us or to love each other as ourselves. Even if one or both parties cease to be followers of Jesus, they are bound to love each other as they love themselves and to treat each other exactly as they would want to be treated themselves. Jesus’ love commands continue to affect them regardless of whether they own his lordship over their lives.
5. If you are the person who is giving someone space offer them your help and let them know that you are there for them. However, do not crowd them.
6. Except in a genuine emergency the person who is giving someone space should limit contacts to what has been agreed upon.
7. How much time someone is given space depends on what happened. The parameters for deciding the length of time for Christians are determined by Jesus’ teaching, particularly his stress upon giving priority to restoring friendly relations with a brother or sister over our religious obligations. By brother or sister Jesus does not mean a natural sibling. He is referring to a fellow human being or a fellow Christian.
8. It is also recommended that the space given be structured. This ensures that both parties are on the same page. It can also mitigate the effects of giving someone space upon the person giving them space and reduces anxiety.
We need to remember what the apostle Paul wrote the church at Corinth. Hurt done to one member of the Body of Christ affects the whole Body of Christ. If two members of Christ’s Body experiences an impaired relationship, it will have bad effects on the entire Body.
For example, two members of the choir might have a disagreement, leading to one or both choir members not attending choir rehearsals or singing on Sunday morning. As a consequence, the Body of Christ is denied their gifts. Members of the choir may take sides, causing a split in the choir, further denying a church of its members’ gifts. An impaired relationship between two church members can keep one or both of them from exercising the spiritual gifts that they brought with them to the church, and which are God’s gift to the church.
We need to keep in mind that being polite to someone on Sunday mornings and other occasions but maintaining an unfriendly attitude toward them outside of church is not what Jesus meant when he instructed the first disciples to love one another as he loved them, not even by a stretch of the imagination. Friendliness is a part of loving our fellow Christians.
Friendliness, however, does not mean that we need to be joined at the hip to our fellow Christians, to monopolize each other’s time, to overstep each other’s boundaries, to be on the phone or texting them all of the time, and to give them no breathing room. It does mean that we are pleasant and kind to each other and act in a way that shows we like people and want them to like and trust us.
