The Common Obstacles Men Face in Groups

And what you as a group leader can do about them

It's no secret that men do not normally line up to join small groups. Their reasons for resisting are usually complex, often practical, and sometimes a little paranoid. It's not that they don't want to be in a group. All men want to be in a small group—until they find out they have to go to one.

Ask any guy if he wants to be in a "band of brothers." The answer is almost always yes. He wants to be accepted, admired, and protected by men he accepts, admires, and protects. Acceptance: in spite of his shortcomings. Admiration: of each other's complementary strengths. Protection: as we look out for each other and watch each other's backs.

Team sports are a good example. Guys who have played, won, and lost together often find that the common challenges and celebrations have given them a bond in community that they long for later in life. There is something both touching and sad, however, about a man describing his experience in a tight-knit community starting with "I remember back in High School …."

The idea of community is appealing. It's fear that prevents guys from jumping in, and men have very different fears. Some fear possible exposure of something they want to hide. Some fear that the cost of community (time, competing interests) outweighs the benefits. For some men the ultimate fear is: It might not be worth it. I might be wasting my time.

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