By Robin G. Jordan
This paragraph in Ron Edmonson’s article, "7 Ways to Respond to Negative People in Church," to which I posted a link on my blog and my Facebook page got me thinking.
“As Jesus taught His disciples how to build the church, a chief command was to love people no one else loved. Since they were to love even their enemies, this included loving people when they were not very lovely. Even negative people in church. (That’s a hard command sometimes, isn’t it?)”
Negative people are not the only ones whom Jesus taught his disciples to love. We may not always have the best communication with others and poor communication can led to misinterpretation of our words and actions and in turn to the development of misunderstandings between us and someone else. These misunderstandings are likely to grow worse when one or both parties do not go to the trouble of checking what the other party meant or do not take advantage of opportunities to resolve misunderstandings and assume the worst.
One party may go as far as to ascribe unpleasant or morally offensive motives to the other party. They may share their distorted perceptions of a situation with others and influence how they perceive the situation. If those with whom they share their misperceptions of the situation are prone to the very human tendency to assume the worst about a person or a situation, things may get out of hand and harm which could have been avoided may be done to the party about which the other had distorted perceptions.
What can also happen is that one party who is misinterpreting the words and actions of another party may present these words and actions in a way to a third party, which makes them sound worse than they really are. Alternatively, the third party may assume that they are worse than they are in reality. They themselves may not take the trouble to investigate thoroughly what is going on. They take the first party’s word for it and believe what they are saying is true.
This often happens because of the very human tendency to give more credence to negative things said about someone than positive things. This is the same tendency which causes us to assume the worst about a person or situation.
We often make negative assumptions about other people without realizing that we are doing it. What psychologists call the “negativity bias” or the “negativity effect” can manifest itself in us in a number of ways and may be more pervasive in our thinking than we realize. It is a bias to which all human beings appear to be heir and at one time may have served a survival function for human beings. It benefited them to be naturally distrustful and suspicious of people and situations.
I first recognized this tendency in myself at Cursillo Weekend that I attended in the 1980s. A young woman shared with the other participants how she preferred to worship outdoors rather than in a church. From what she said, I drew all kinds of negative conclusions about her. Later in the weekend, the rector of the Cursillo, with the young woman’s permission, shared with the participants her full story. The negative opinion of her which I had formed was totally wrong. The negativity bias had influenced my thinking.
The third party with whom the first party shared their misperceptions of the second party may also not want to dismiss as attention-seeking, imagined, or unimportant what may prove to be a serious reason for concern. They choose to give the first party the benefit of the doubt.
One thing that is often overlooked when one party misinterprets and misunderstands the words and actions of a second party and involves additional parties is what psychologists call “secondary gains.” They are the advantages that the first party may gain from sharing their distorted perceptions of a person or a situation with others. They may include extra attention, sympathy, avoidance of work, power or control over other people, and the indirect expression of anger and displeasure.
These gains often make the distorted perceptions and any significant anxiety or other distress emotional symptoms that are connected with these perceptions to last longer and make counseling more difficult. As long as they are gain advantages from their false or wrong perceptions, an individual may be unwilling to undergo counseling and deal with how they are misinterpreting the words and actions of the second party and resolve any misunderstandings.
By clinging to these perceptions, they may also be avoiding thoughts and feelings of their own with which they are uncomfortable or which they do not accept in themselves. They may not be doing any of these things on a conscious level, having no awareness of what they are doing or insight into how they think and feel.
One thing that is often overlooked when one party misinterprets and misunderstands the words and actions of a second party and involves additional parties is what psychologists call “secondary gains.” They are the advantages that the first party may gain from sharing their distorted perceptions of a person or a situation with others. They may include extra attention, sympathy, avoidance of work, power or control over other people, and the indirect expression of anger and displeasure.
These gains often make the distorted perceptions and any significant anxiety or other distress emotional symptoms that are connected with these perceptions to last longer and make counseling more difficult. As long as they are gain advantages from their false or wrong perceptions, an individual may be unwilling to undergo counseling and deal with how they are misinterpreting the words and actions of the second party and resolve any misunderstandings.
By clinging to these perceptions, they may also be avoiding thoughts and feelings of their own with which they are uncomfortable or which they do not accept in themselves. They may not be doing any of these things on a conscious level, having no awareness of what they are doing or insight into how they think and feel.
Having gained the trust and support of others, they may eventually realize that they were mistaken in their judgment of the second party. They are faced with a predicament in which if they express a change of opinion of the second party or act differently toward them, it may, they fear, reflect poorly on them. They may lose the trust and support that they gained. Others may think that they were exaggerating or not telling the truth.
They may act one way toward the second party when no one else is present and another way when others are present. They may speak to the second party one moment and be uncommunicative the next. This is likely to cause confusion to the second party and may lead to further misunderstanding since the second party can only guess at what is going on and may draw the wrong conclusion.
In his teaching Jesus does give his disciples guidance on how they should respond to a situation in which someone has distorted perceptions of us and their distorted perceptions are influencing other people’s perception of us. Let us take a look at what he himself did and what he told his disciples to do.
1. Pray for those who mistreat you. You may believe that others are not treating you fairly. They may think otherwise. God knows the truth. Pray for them. Ask God to set things to rights. Ask God to enable you to be compassionate, forgiving, generous, kind, measured, patient, and understanding toward them.
2. Do good to the other parties, the party that has distorted perceptions of you and the other people whose perceptions they have influenced.
They may act one way toward the second party when no one else is present and another way when others are present. They may speak to the second party one moment and be uncommunicative the next. This is likely to cause confusion to the second party and may lead to further misunderstanding since the second party can only guess at what is going on and may draw the wrong conclusion.
In his teaching Jesus does give his disciples guidance on how they should respond to a situation in which someone has distorted perceptions of us and their distorted perceptions are influencing other people’s perception of us. Let us take a look at what he himself did and what he told his disciples to do.
1. Pray for those who mistreat you. You may believe that others are not treating you fairly. They may think otherwise. God knows the truth. Pray for them. Ask God to set things to rights. Ask God to enable you to be compassionate, forgiving, generous, kind, measured, patient, and understanding toward them.
2. Do good to the other parties, the party that has distorted perceptions of you and the other people whose perceptions they have influenced.
Doing good to someone else is not necessarily what they think is good for them or what the other people whose perceptions they have influenced believe is good for them. It is what is good for the party that has distorted perceptions of you from the perspective of their long-term mental health.
People can fall into a pattern of enabling unhealthy thinking and behavior in someone else out of a desire to help that person without realizing that they are doing the person harm. If the person suffers from anxiety, being overprotective toward them will make their anxiety worse. The person needs to learn healthier ways of coping with their anxiety than avoiding people or situations which trigger their anxiety. They may discover by communicating with a particular individual who triggers their anxiety that the anxiety that they feel when around that individual is needless. The individual around whom they feel anxious is no threat to them: that individual is not going to cause anything unwanted to happen.
Depending upon the circumstances, doing good to the other parties may entail obtaining a psychological evaluation of ourselves by a competent licensed professional. They may have too much invested in a particular interpretation of a situation that they may not be able to see beyond that interpretation. This evaluation may help them see that they are mistaken in their interpretation of the situation. It may help us learn some things about ourselves. We may have blind spots. For example, we may have a strong personality that some people experience as intimidating. Such an evaluation may help to open the way for pursing reconciliation with the party who has distorted perceptions of us and with anyone else who has been influenced by their misperceptions of us.
The psychologist will administer a battery of tests that have proven track record in assessing an individual’s intellectual and psychological functioning and in identifying any problem areas. The psychologist will also conduct an in-depth interview. Based upon their findings, the psychologist may recommend counseling for ourselves, for the first party and ourselves, and/or evaluation of the first party. The psychologist may make other recommendations. A psychological evaluation can be helpful in establishing specific, achievable treatment goals if counseling is recommended. A psychologist can be qualified as an expert witness at disciplinary hearings, appeals hearings, and judicial proceedings.
3. Seek to be reconciled with the party or parties with whom a rift has developed. Jesus places a great emphasis on the importance of reconciliation, telling his disciples to set aside their religious obligations to make peace with anyone who has something against them. The reconciliation process may take time and may require the involvement of a mediator, someone who has experience in helping people resolve misunderstandings and become friendly toward each other.
4. Be open and honest with the other parties and do what we can to help them understand from where we are coming, to help them understand why we take the particular view that we do. This may not be easy particularly if the other parties have a strong investment in a particular interpretation of a situation. It requires tact, the ability to say or do the right thing without make anyone unhappy or angry. This may be difficult in the heat of the moment.
5. Communicate with the person who has misperceptions of us directly and not through a third party. Communicating through someone else is likely to cause further misunderstanding since they will relay only what they thought that we or the other party said. What they are conveying to us or the other party is their opinion of what we or the other party thought or felt.
People can fall into a pattern of enabling unhealthy thinking and behavior in someone else out of a desire to help that person without realizing that they are doing the person harm. If the person suffers from anxiety, being overprotective toward them will make their anxiety worse. The person needs to learn healthier ways of coping with their anxiety than avoiding people or situations which trigger their anxiety. They may discover by communicating with a particular individual who triggers their anxiety that the anxiety that they feel when around that individual is needless. The individual around whom they feel anxious is no threat to them: that individual is not going to cause anything unwanted to happen.
Depending upon the circumstances, doing good to the other parties may entail obtaining a psychological evaluation of ourselves by a competent licensed professional. They may have too much invested in a particular interpretation of a situation that they may not be able to see beyond that interpretation. This evaluation may help them see that they are mistaken in their interpretation of the situation. It may help us learn some things about ourselves. We may have blind spots. For example, we may have a strong personality that some people experience as intimidating. Such an evaluation may help to open the way for pursing reconciliation with the party who has distorted perceptions of us and with anyone else who has been influenced by their misperceptions of us.
The psychologist will administer a battery of tests that have proven track record in assessing an individual’s intellectual and psychological functioning and in identifying any problem areas. The psychologist will also conduct an in-depth interview. Based upon their findings, the psychologist may recommend counseling for ourselves, for the first party and ourselves, and/or evaluation of the first party. The psychologist may make other recommendations. A psychological evaluation can be helpful in establishing specific, achievable treatment goals if counseling is recommended. A psychologist can be qualified as an expert witness at disciplinary hearings, appeals hearings, and judicial proceedings.
3. Seek to be reconciled with the party or parties with whom a rift has developed. Jesus places a great emphasis on the importance of reconciliation, telling his disciples to set aside their religious obligations to make peace with anyone who has something against them. The reconciliation process may take time and may require the involvement of a mediator, someone who has experience in helping people resolve misunderstandings and become friendly toward each other.
4. Be open and honest with the other parties and do what we can to help them understand from where we are coming, to help them understand why we take the particular view that we do. This may not be easy particularly if the other parties have a strong investment in a particular interpretation of a situation. It requires tact, the ability to say or do the right thing without make anyone unhappy or angry. This may be difficult in the heat of the moment.
5. Communicate with the person who has misperceptions of us directly and not through a third party. Communicating through someone else is likely to cause further misunderstanding since they will relay only what they thought that we or the other party said. What they are conveying to us or the other party is their opinion of what we or the other party thought or felt.
Direct personal communication can go a long way to clear up misunderstandings and increases the chance of reaching some kind of closure. Both parties are able to ask questions and to obtain clarification. With a few exceptions such as John the Baptist Jesus always spoke directly with people.
6. Whatever the outcome, keep on loving the other parties. Even if things do not go as we hope, we do not let that discourage us. We ask God for hearts and minds open to his grace, to the power of the Holy Spirit working us, enabling us love others, particularly our brothers and sisters in Christ, even in the most difficult circumstances.
Jesus taught his disciples to keep forgiving others and not to hold their faults and mistakes against them, not to harbor anger or resentment toward them. While we all would like others to forgive our failings, what matters most is that we forgive the failings of others. To our forgiveness of their failings Jesus ties God’s forgiveness of ours. He went as far as teach his disciples that God forgive the wrongs we do to others as we forgive the wrongs others do to us.
6. Whatever the outcome, keep on loving the other parties. Even if things do not go as we hope, we do not let that discourage us. We ask God for hearts and minds open to his grace, to the power of the Holy Spirit working us, enabling us love others, particularly our brothers and sisters in Christ, even in the most difficult circumstances.
Jesus taught his disciples to keep forgiving others and not to hold their faults and mistakes against them, not to harbor anger or resentment toward them. While we all would like others to forgive our failings, what matters most is that we forgive the failings of others. To our forgiveness of their failings Jesus ties God’s forgiveness of ours. He went as far as teach his disciples that God forgive the wrongs we do to others as we forgive the wrongs others do to us.
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