In the Church Leaders article, “4 Types of Bad Friends That Are Bad for Your Marriage,” Ashely Willis makes this point, “We often become like the people we hang out with the most.” In the article Ashely draws attention to how toxic friendships can harm a Christian’s marriage, identifying the kind of friendship behaviors that negatively impact a Christian’s marriage.
As I was thinking about the point Ashely made, I thought to myself that it also holds true in the other areas of our life. The people with whom we associate can be a strong influence upon us. In some cases, it may be a positive influence; in other cases, it may be a negative one. While Christians should have a variety of friends, we need to be aware of how much they are influencing us and in what direction are they influencing us. We need to have open eyes in any relationship.
Some questions which we may need to ask ourselves are—
Are they dismissive of my Christian beliefs and values?
Do they encourage me to question my Christian beliefs and values?
Do they encourage me to think and act in ways that are contrary to my Christian beliefs and values?
Do they think and act in ways that conflict with my Christian beliefs and values?
If we find ourselves answering “yes” to these questions, we may need to scale back the amount of time that we spend with these friends and make more friends who affirm and reinforce our Christian beliefs and values. I am not suggesting that we reject these friends entirely but rather we form relationships with people who share our beliefs and values to counterbalance their influence upon us.
There is nothing wrong with Christians having non-Christian friends. Indeed, they may come to know and love Jesus through our friendship with them. But we need to be aware of negative influences they may be having upon us.
One thing that I have learned is that people who become involved in negative behavior will seek to encourage others to engage in the same negative behavior. It is a way of rationalizing what they are doing, a way of validating that what they are doing is acceptable. The thinking is similar to the thinking behind the hypothesis that there is safety in numbers. What they are doing must be acceptable since there is a lot of people doing it rather than a handful of people. We see this phenomenon on Facebook all of the time.
Peer pressure does not end when we leave high school. We will experience peer pressure throughout our lives. Christians need to not only to be aware of pressure from non-Christian peers, but also of their vulnerability to it. We may believe that we have a strong independent streak and therefore have a low vulnerability to peer pressure. However, we may also be people-pleasers when a particular group or individual is involved, adapting ourselves to the group or individual in order to please them.
Researchers have found that we tend to “mirror” our friends. We copy their attitudes, their behaviors, their choice of words and phrases, and their style of dress. Online we will frequent the same websites, use the same apps, and watch the same videos. On social media like Facebook, we will like and love the same posts and comments they like and love. We will also comment on the same posts and comments. We will take an interest in what they are interested, including family, kin, and friends. We will share photos. We will share inside jokes. These are normal ways for friends to act. They are also ways that friends influence each other.
At the same time, we may not be aware of how much influence our friends exert on us, intentionally or unintentionally.
Our past relationship with parents or parent figures can affect our present relationships with other people. They can also play a key role in our friendship decisions. The influence of what W. Hugh Missildine, M.D., calls our “inner child of the past” on how we relate to other people and to whom we relate cannot be underestimated.
A preteen girl who received little parental affection in early childhood may be overly affectionate with adults, including strangers, and consequently may become a repeated victim of sexual abuse and exploitation. The girl is seeking affection by showing affection.
We often behave toward someone else how we want them to behave toward us. If a friend responds infrequently to our texts, we may react by increasing our texts in hope of a response.
Acceptance and approval are universal human needs. Like the girl’s strong need for affection, they do make us vulnerable. Our vulnerability may differ from hers. For example, we may be vulnerable to psychological and emotional manipulation. Our vulnerability is something of which all Christians need to have more than a passing awareness.
I am not talking about a recent discovery of the social sciences. The Bible contains a number of passages in which we are urged to give thought to the kind of people with whom we associate and their positive or negative influence upon us.
It is important to keep an open mind about how our friends can influence us and not to become defensive about our relationship with them. As Christians we will want to be mindful of who is influencing us, how they are influencing us, and the direction in which they are influencing us. Is it away from Jesus and what Jesus taught and modeled?
For example, Jesus taught us to forgive those who may wrong us. Are they seeing some action that is innocent as a wrong directed against us? Are they encouraging us to retaliate against someone who in their eyes is guilty of wronging us? Are we going along with them because we do not want to lose their acceptance and approval?
Are we of two minds on a matter? Are they trying to sway us in a direction that is not only in conflict with our Christian beliefs and values, but also hurtful to others and to ourselves?
Going to church once a week and hearing a sermon is not enough to counterbalance any negative influence our friends may be having on us. Jesus recognized that we need the support and encouragement of those who share our Christian beliefs and values when he sent his disciples out in pairs to proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God. As well as cultivating friendships with our fellow Christians who are making a genuine effort to emulate Jesus' character and to follow his teaching and example, we need to become a part of a small group of such Christians.
I am not talking about a Bible class or a Sunday school class but a group of four of five of these Christians who have made a commitment to live the Christian faith and life together. Bible classes and Sunday school classes are too large for the kind of sharing, encouragement, and support that we need as a counterbalance to the negative influences in our lives. We also need an anamchara, a soul friend, someone with whom we can share things which we may not be comfortable sharing with our small group, who will pray for us, and offer us spiritual counsel and guidance.
When we add more positive Christian influences in our life, we not only weaken the negative influences, but we also add more channels of God’s grace which help us to grow a follower of Jesus.
For those whose may be interested in reading Ashely Willis’ article, the link is https://churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreach-missions-articles/344774-4-types-of-friends-that-are-bad-for-your-marriage.html
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