Loving Contrary People

People who are contrary are going to stubbornly do what they want to do regardless of what others think or say. They are going to stubbornly cling to their opinions even when they are wrong. In some circumstances their obstinacy is a strength; in other circumstances, it keeps getting them in trouble. Since they insist that they are right no matter what, they do not learn from their mistakes but repeat them over and over again, causing themselves and others a great deal of unhappiness.

People who are contrary actually are easy marks for manipulation because they are generally going to do the opposite of what you advise or suggest. Their favorite mantra is “No one tells me what to do!!”

To take advantage of them one offers them advice or suggestions the opposite what one thinks is in their best interest. There is a high probability that they will do the opposite of the advice given to them or the suggestions made to them. It is almost a knee-jerk reaction. Inside them is an unsocialized two or three-year old and a rebellious teenage seeking to assert their independence, to control a situation rather than give into parental control. In case that they catch on, one keeps them off guard by giving them random advice or making random suggestions.

Another way of manipulating them is to hint to them that someone is trying to control them and want them to do the opposite of what one wants to encourage them to do. When their rebelliousness is in a desired direction, one offers them reinforcement. This may be subtle or unsubtle, depending upon the circumstances. One plays to the rebelliousness, to their belief that they are being independent, and so forth.

People who are contrary are not contrary in all situations. In some circumstances they are people-pleasers. They will agree with someone and may even do what that person wants them to do. But once they see someone as a parental authority figure who in their mind is seeking to control them, then they will begin to exhibit contrariness. They will begin to relate to that person from the ego state Transactional Analysis calls the Rebellious Child.

“The Rebellious Child is a kind of Adapted Child, that adapts their feelings and behaviors to the world around them using rebelling.” The Rebellious Child is also known as the Shit Kickin’ Kid.

People will flip flop between the Compliant Child, which is also a kind of Adapted Child, and the Rebellious Child. People-pleasing. Rebellion. People-pleasing. Rebellion. They may be charming and pleasant one minute and creating havoc the next.

A person’s Rebellious Child may act with open defiance or silence. In the latter case one can expect the Rebellious Child to strike back in all kinds of devious ways.

When the person exhibited their Rebellious Child when they were a child, one or both parents may have responded in their Punitive Parent. They may have physically punished the child, or they may have withdrawn their attention from the child to the point the child’s life may have been at stake. They may have responded to the child from their own Child with similar results. Consequently, the person learned not to exhibit their Rebellious Child openly.

People are often people-pleasers with people of the same gender as the parent who showed them the least attention when they were a child. They are trying to make up for the attention that they did not receive as a child.

Their need for attention, however, can make them vulnerable to exploitation. In an earlier post I mentioned a preteen girl who had received little parental affection in her early childhood and who was overly affectionate with adults, including strangers. Showing affection to others was her way of seeking affection from them. She acted toward them, the way she wanted them to act toward her. This behavior is often observed in children in foster care who have received negligible affection from their parents. These children also frequently have a history of sexual abuse or exploitation. Their affection-seeking behavior may be mistaken for sexual precociousness, and it may be lead to sexual precociousness. In adulthood it can result in sexual promiscuity—multiple sexual partners.

People are also people-pleasers with people of the same gender as the parent who showed them the most attention. At the same time, they may have difficulty in relating to people of that gender because they have incorporated a lot of behaviors from the parent who was emotionally unavailable to them and who did not show them much attention. They also may become hooked into control struggles with such people because the parent of that gender was the one with whom they had these struggles.

When we chose to love someone, we chose to love all of them—the Compliant Child and the Rebellious Child—the individual who is charming and pleasant to be around and the individual who is creating havoc in our lives. Loving other people and loving a particular individual is from a Transactional Analysis perspective a decision that is made in our Adult ego state.

According to the counselingtutor.com website, “The Adult ego state operates in the here and now and rationally processes what we are thinking and feeling, which is based on facts without interference of unconscious contamination.” 

Bob Cook of the Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy observes that the Adult Ego State is more than a computer, concerned only with rationality and logic, like Mr. Spock on the original Star Trek series.

He writes: “…when the person activates their adult ego state he is coming from just a rational position, but that he also has access to feelings, thinking and attitudes. Indeed the person will be part of the ‘here and now’ and experiencing and coming from an integrated adult stance.”

The person in their Adult Ego State is aware of the responses of the Parent Ego State and Child Ego State and will consider them in the decision.

“Falling in love with someone” is hormonal and temporary. The feeling of attraction fades as the hormones fade. 

Loving other people and loving a particular individual are a decision that we make. 

As far as loving other people are concerned, our Adult Ego State concludes that loving them is the best way to live, noting that our Parent and Child Ego States agree. 

As far as loving a particular individual is concerned, our Adult Ego State checks with our Little Professor, our intuition, the part of us that is most in touch with our brain’s response to the individual. 

The Adult Ego State gets this feedback from the Little Professor. The brain liked them instantly and sensed that their brain liked us. The Little Professor sensed that they have some issues, but these issues do not present a big problem. We can go ahead and like them, knowing it may at times be a bumpy ride. 

Our Parent Ego State finds nothing wrong with them. They meet our Parent Ego States approval. They are someone that our Parent Ego State can nurture. 

Our Child Ego State likes them right away. 

All our Ego States are in agreement. We decide to love them.

What was the point of describing how contrary people can be manipulated? The point was to draw attention to the fact that despite their hardheadedness they are vulnerable people. Other people can take advantage of them and do take advantage of them. They can be victimized but not in ways that they think. The person who in their minds they see as trying to control them is not the person who is going to victimize them. They are more likely to be victimized by other people in their life.